My TRANSformation with Judaism

My Transformation with Judaism

My evolution in my relationship with religion -rather Judaism the one I was born into has had many eras. I’m not going through them all here rather the ones that have evolved from my latest few evolutions-I’ll call it the Pride era.

My latest TRANSformation has been quite recent, but only in understanding deep messages that had always been there. It has actually been super healing to my relationship with Judaism. I have created the space as of late to live in the in-between actually before acknowledging that I was more trans than non-binary. One time that stood out to me was when I went to a prayer that was outside and I situated myself in between the men's and women's sections and felt so at home. I had liked praying from a prayer book during different eras of my connection but hadn’t really brought it back. Until my friend started an egalitarian Minyan and once again I didn’t have to fit in the box of man or woman to be counted and be part and I could show up completely as myself and feel like I belonged. I was worried it was going to be too different from how shul was when I grew up (I had loved going to shul till I was 11 and we moved to Israel) but it was a completely new experience that I was ready for. Embracing the feeling of being trans has actually also made me want to and actually reimplement making kiddush on Friday nights. I don’t do it every week -I mean let's be real my mental health is still such a journey. There is something about reconnecting to making kiddush. I had always wanted to make kiddush for myself as a kid and would honestly sometimes join the meal later so I could make kiddush for myself.I hated that my brother could and was pushed to make kiddush for himself and I was expected to just take the grape juice from my father. I definitely couldn’t connect it to not feeling fully comfortable in my skin as a girl but looking back there were definitely thoughts about how I would much rather be a boy and connect to God through some of the male mitzvos. Now was this also in relation to how many of the ways of connecting to God as a woman were explained and portrayed probably? But I still think it shows different longings for living in a different body and reality than the one I was born and raised in.

Candle lighting. Coming back to this has been much more of a fraught trek and I’m most certainly not in an amicable relationship with it yet but there was an opening of a healing relationship with it recently and I want to explore it more. I was at a queer weekend for university students and they had the option set up to light candles. Someone asked me if I wanted to go light candles and my immediate response was yes. The reaction shocked me but I just went through the thoughts in my head as I went down the path I wanted to light the candles and bring in Shabbat that way. The next thought was but you can’t want to do that, you say you are trans and use he him pronouns in Hebrew now you can’t light candles that's a woman's mitzvah, won't it disregard your evolution of identity? My response impressed me (yes I know it's different that I have almost split conversations in my head but so is my brain, might be autism, might be trauma, who knows?) Anyhow I remembered that while candle lighting is mainly marketed as a woman’s mitzvah the mitzvah is to actually have lit candles for Shabbat and if the woman in the house cann’t for whatever reason light candles or if the man is home alone for Shabbat he is supposed to light candles. This somehow made me feel so much better.

The next thought was also I get to evolve my relationship with Mitzvos and God I get to put together a patchwork of connection to God if these mitzvos feel good and do good to my soul and my connection to God then great. It’s the idea of always adding light I go back to this thought by the Lubavitcher Rebbe whatever mitzvah you do is adding light,so do whatever Mitzvah you can whenever you can however you can. That thought has been a guiding light on my mental health journey but especially on my gender and sexuality journey. Here’s to lighting candles on pride flags and saying kiddush with pronoun stickers next to my siddur. I’m transforming myself and my relationship with God and religion and I’m enjoying it.