Floating in myself
Floating.
Floating was one of the things I hated the most about being in the pool. It felt like being out of control, and the control of my body changed. On top of it being a struggle, I have had with my disability and feeling out of control of what my body does or doesn't do next. The largest impact though on trust and being in my body was broken when I was six though before my surgery when I was abused by supposed healers. It taught me never to trust my surroundings or the people around me. It made me question everyone and never trust that people had my best intentions or my back. This also had an impact on how I related to and trusted my body and how it interacted in other spaces. I felt this most intensely at the pool. The water and the hydrotherapists and swim instructors were always saying "Release you can trust the water it will hold you, your body as is." I didn't trust them and I didn't trust my body and I definitely didn't trust the water telling me it will hold me. Why would I trust something else I could barely trust my body and its ability to communicate with me what it was going to do next. I always felt at war with my body.
Along the journey of healing through my boudoir shoot and my constant evolution and search to be my true self, I learned to start listening and trusting my body. To listen to the messages and to trust the actions my body asks me to take.
Today at the pool it was to float. I've been going to the pool for a while(mostly last summer I took a break during the year I really shouldnt have taken). My body asked to be held today and I listened. I laid in the corner of the deep end(let's be real I'm still holding on to the walls at the moment)but just stayed in the still floating position. At first, the negative voice in my head said you are wasting time you are supposed to be moving your body and working out. I was able to pull myself back to the feeling of being exactly where I needed to be. I stayed that way a lot longer than I have in the past and I actually did it a few times. The silence was calming and I allowed myself to feel like the water was holding me. I didn't need to fight to hold my body in place, the water was there and doing it and wasn't going anywhere. I could move my body and stop when I wanted to but I didn't need to hold on to my body for it to stay there. The water can handle my spasms and changes in my body it doesn't need to hold the same fear as on land. This has mirrored the healing journey for me in other ways as well. It’s another reminder that your body is there for you and to trust it. Not only my legs but also my gut and my heart and to use those in a healing way in order to be able to float to be fully in myself. Then I can grow in a connected way and share myself in the fullest way with myself and the world.