Dear 18-year-old Sam

I wrote a letter to my 18-year-old self. I thought about doing this leading up to my latest birthday,my 28th birthday.If you told me at 18 I’d make it to 28,just 28 I would have laughed in your face. If you told me I would be out as a queer person,working as a teacher,have 6 tattoos and be on a constant path of self evolution and acceptance,Id have passed out. Looking back at where I was at 18 really reminds me how far I’ve come. And I forget sometimes getting stuck in the daily cycle of where I am now its easy to forget where I was 10 years ago. I don’t think it’s always a bad thing to evolve to an extent where you don’t seem anything like the person you were 10 years ago;life is about evolution. I think it was more realizing and returning to the feelings I felt stuck in at 18 and that I really didn’t see a way out.Now mind you I didn’t feel like I had a way out of where I was in life quite a few times. These 10 years have been filled with hospital visits,struggles,giving up and getting back up again.I think whats worth remembering are all the tools I’ve learned from falling,cracking,and evolving to my latest self. The constant/semi-constant pain and struggle that are included in self evolution have been worth it. They are still worth it. I’m in the process of my next evolution at the moment and it is far from easy but I know 10 year from me now is worth it. Its also not all bad I had some of the most incredible experiences over the past 10 years between the seemingly large ones to the small ones,all the moments were worth sticking around for. This letter to younger me feels somewhat generic but I think its more all encompassing its not always about all the small moments (although life is definitely about finding the joy in those moments). It just is,I also find it so easy for my mind to pick through this letter and find all the ways in that it is somehow not good enough. But I’m fighting back on those thoughts that have been constants in my life,I am worthy however I show up in the world. What I write and say is enough and it is always better than not saying anything at all. The better I get at leaning into feeling what I’m saying is imperfect and putting in the work will lead to better work. Here’s to 28,and embracing imperfect trying  in all aspects of my life. Here is my letter:

Dear Sam,

Youre shocked Im still around. I get it so am I. Its not as if I didn't fight against living and sticking around many a time. We've lived in a few different places,followed dreams,had many a dream crushed or evolved into something new. When you finally start letting yourself break and feel,you will feel like you are drowning. But you learned how to reach out and ask for help. Then you learned how to tread water,how to stand and flow with the waves as they crash into you and rebuild yourself. The more you learned how to appreciate and value the waves they became your friends rather than your enemy. That doesnt mean we dont still fall under the weight of self exploration,but we know how to stand up with the help of others. We learn how to find and keep lamplighters along the shore,the ones that illuminate and don't disappear when the going gets tough. Healing once you let yourself get easier,never easy-but always worth it. I cant wait to see where we end up at 38, you and I are worth the struggle and evolution

❤‍🩹❤ Sam

What would you write to a younger version of yourself?