Inner Child Healing Pt.1

Fulfilling little Sam’s dreams

I listened to little Sam. Now that might not seem like a big deal but,it was for me. The big deal was about a few things. First of all, I heard Sam in my head, paused, and didn't freak out or get annoyed but rather, embraced them showing up. Then when they said what they wanted to do to heal some part inside of me,that I didn't realize that hurt, I for once just listened. I made a post on Canva that could be used as a profile pic and just opened up an Instagram account to post about books.

Now, why is that a big deal? I have an Instagram already and had posted a few book reviews that were relevant to my content but, it was and is curated. I wasn't talking to or rather listening to my inner child. I was sort of surprised when my inner child showed up to ask me to do this. I was reading a book called Unorthodox. I had had the book for a while but I finally got stuck into it one weekend and just read the entire thing through. There was a discourse on books and reading and hiding books and forbidden books, and while I definitely wasn't raised on that extreme of a level there was constantly a discussion about what books were allowed in the house. This led to secrecy around books at a very young age for even the most menial of books. Not getting into the trash that JK Rowling is I remember that being one of the first series that my brother hid under his mattress(not because of antisemitic tropes or anything, it was just deemed to be “black magic”). It wasn’t like we weren't allowed to read, we went to Palo Alto’s amazing libraries weekly if not more than once a week, and checked out hundreds of books. As a young child, I didn’t feel it to the same extent but by the time I was 10, I was hiding in the library to read just basic YA that really didn’t have technically problematic content, but was considered inappropriate at home. I read these types of books also at my friends' houses and saw movies and TV shows that were deemed not allowed. We had Jewish books growing up and some Jewish children’s books were really phenomenal but that wasn’t the only thing we were allowed to read. Monsters and Bernstein bears and non-fiction mostly science books were plentiful but when we moved to Israel that changed. I don’t think it changed for the better there was a lot of work put into fitting in and then meant buying only Jewish books and the small pitiful library wasn’t one we really went to when we first moved. I had a computer though and even though I didn’t have a smartphone I found my way to Wattpad and other things.

That isn't the whole story there were friend's books in dorms in high school and when I went to seminary in Pittsburgh I lived right behind one of the best libraries. I read all the time I would borrow 20 books at a time after sitting in the library and reading for hours. I didn’t feel like I had to hide what I was reading since it felt very tame in as much that I was reading mostly biographies and very clean romance books, but for some reason, it still just wasn’t something to really talk about. I started tracking books on Goodreads and other places but there was still such an element of shame. Even now writing about it there is something uncomfortable about doing so. I think reading becomes tied into fantasies and growing up those fantasies and worlds you want to read about change, which is completely normal; but being raised in an environment where nothing to do with your body, other's bodies, sexuality, sensuality, and relationships were talked about definitely contribute to a feeling of shame that I sometimes feel still to this day with what I’m reading. I combat that in different ways and when my inner child or teen told me, I want to talk about the books I’m reading more than just tracking them on apps I listened. I have talked about books before on different platforms but it has always been non-fiction and talking about books that I thought would be important regarding the topics I talked about already on my page. I even feel uncomfortable sharing that I’m doing this, but I’m not here for shame to be ruling my life, am I fine that no one follows me yet, definitely? Do I want people to come to follow the reviews sure, but do I want them to be people who I know from growing up, I dunno. It has been so healing for me to follow book accounts on Instagram and TikTok who talk and write about books.

The fact that this idea started forming when I was reading Unorthodox is slightly ironic,yet also makes sense. I’m not getting into the drama that surrounded the show based on the book but, it did trigger this idea that there is a focus on the silencing of voices whether in books we read or write and what narratives are acceptable which ones are shameful and which ones are the acceptable ones. This of course, isn’t everyone's experience but a large part of mine and its a narrative I want to continue rewriting.

Here is to safely and enjoyably dreaming through reading shame-free, while listening to your inner child and teen and healing.

PS: the Instagram handle is in the picture