Pride Series part #2- Self love
Self-love has been such a long and arduous journey for me, and I have yet to get to a place I think of full self-love, but I am also not sure a place like that exists. I do know that on my journey of coming out and accepting my inner pride has many different facets and these different moments and facets of my journey build me into the puzzle that I am. Here is part two of my pride series,self-love.
Haircuts: the first time I cut my hair short I was actually super nervous, I was in Pittsburgh and moving to Florida the next day and I was speaking to a friend Mushky and I had kinda wanted to go short “to make showers faster and easier" but didn't understand to what extent it was something deeper. I remember some of the first responses I got from family friends they were all similar wording "it makes you look gay". Of course, this was my start of the journey in Florida and really had no idea what that even meant and didn't really get the anger and disappointment conveyed in the statement. I did notice that along with the physical weight that was removed from my head there was a mental and emotional change I felt when looking in the mirror. I started feeling calmer looking in the mirror and I actually started to like looking in the mirror. I've always had different body issues from my disability, chronic pain, and other issues, and cutting my hair short really helped me feel like me. The evolution of the cuts from the first one in Pittsburgh and the few in Florida, to the one with my grandmother. I came back to Israel and grew my hair out again thinking I needed to, to look a certain way for a very close friend's wedding, while I felt more like myself with my short hair but I still felt like I owed family and friends a certain version of me. After the wedding and cutting it all off again,I also finally came out and went on a more extreme shave, shape, and color journey searching for my hair to explain to the internal me who I was. Don't get me wrong I loved every haircut for the different lessons I learned during the time period in my life that I had that haircut. It sounds cliche even to my own ears to say this latest haircut I got this past Sunday is my favorite, but that of course is true but more so to do with where I'm at mentally with internal self-love and acceptance. And yes, I love the fact that my hair so clearly states to society a part of who I am, I use a wheelchair and that tells society what other community I'm part of and I love that my hair, another part of me conveys me to the world.
Body image and acceptance. TW: binge-eating disorder. I had a magical moment with myself in the mirror when for the first time ever I looked up and I automatically smiled at myself and felt at home in my body. I'm pretty sure that has never happened before. There was a calm in the smile, I didn't rush to complain to myself about the fat around my face or other rolls and imperfections. What does this have to do with pride month? I have struggled with a binge eating disorder for many years, and I got inpatient treatment now three years ago, while I worked on changing my habits, I still continuously felt like I needed to fill this black hole of self-loathing and I was still fighting myself on my sexuality. Now I have been working on recovery from my eating disorder and it's going hand in hand with learning to love all the aspects of myself. While I already accepted my disability at about 21 I've seen the more I embrace and love my body and sexuality and all aspects of my body, I'm not constantly trying to hurt my body to get it "inline" with social demands and rather my own self-love. I noticed this change when I decided to weigh myself at my sports center, it had been over two months and I try to just keep up with my weight, non obsessively of course. For once when I stood on the scale I didn't feel like I was checking my worth and if I could love myself, I already did and I didn't have the panicked thoughts of should've eaten less the past week. Tallying the number, I've managed to lose 25 pounds over the past 7 months. While the first thought that came back eating disorder style was "is that enough? How much are you supposed to lose?" But the powerful prideful inner warrior shot back with "that's great have you seen what your life has been these past several months, you're doing this in a healthy way, and you aren't losing weight to convince yourself to love who you are." That pride and power that my inner warrior has found has been a lot to do with removing lots of internal shame regarding my sexuality and how my body looks and wishing parts of it were not there. Removing those layers of shame, some of which are still there for sure have given me so much internal peace without needing to focus on a number on the scale for self-love. I love my body, my disability, my sexuality, and ultimately myself all the parts of me. Here's to learning to deeply love all of yourself the changes are magical.
Clothing- Clothing has been the silent but deadly hurdle I keep putting in front of myself claiming I have good excuses for why I don’t let myself dress in a way that feels authentic to myself. My inspiration board on Pinterest is filled with outfits I wish I’d let myself wear, and then my fearful mind unrolls the laundry list of excuses as to why I don’t need to be myself completely. Pain, physical pain my brain's biggest hurdle it sets up first on the race to being myself is chronic pain even before the disability. The formal androgynous looks you want to wear, the jackets,button-downs, and pants they will enhance your chronic pain. I have internalized this so deeply I don’t even consciously think about it most of the time, but when I have a day I am internally struggling with my sexuality and gender, instead of wearing the few plaid shirts and jeans I feel express myself I wear shift dresses and disappear in the fabric. Another hurdle my brain sets up is about waste. Why waste the clothes you have, why get rid of them, when you need new clothes when you lose weight you can get new clothes. Why waste the money and space buying new and keeping or getting rid of the old. The sister hurdle to this is definitely how my mother reacted when she asked me if I wanted any clothes from a consignment shop and I asked for a men's suit jacket and some dress shirts. The silence suffocated ever feeling comfortable in clothes I internally am screaming to wear. This only enhanced the silence I had told myself that after graduating high school and wearing uniform shirts which were buttoned down and unflattering that I would never wear button-downs again. I didn’t even realize how much this was bothering me until this month of writing posts and there was this huge internal block I couldn't figure out.I’m yelling I am my authentic self to the world but every time I do laundry or open my closet to get dressed every morning, except for a few button-down shirts and jeans the swaths of fabric I suffocate my identity in, choking me. I haven’t worked out this fear and even thinking about getting rid of all the clothes I hate wearing freaks me out, here's to doing things that scare you, so maybe this summer an actual closet purge will happen, and I’ll let myself shine proudly. I'm not sure why accepting and embracing this part of expressing my gender and identity is so hard. But, here's to doing things that scare you, so maybe this summer an actual closet purge will happen, and I’ll let myself shine in my skin and clothe it proudly.
Haircuts: the first time I cut my hair short I was actually super nervous, I was in Pittsburgh and moving to Florida the next day and I was speaking to a friend Mushky and I had kinda wanted to go short “to make showers faster and easier" but didn't understand to what extent it was something deeper. I remember some of the first responses I got from family friends they were all similar wording "it makes you look gay". Of course, this was my start of the journey in Florida and really had no idea what that even meant and didn't really get the anger and disappointment conveyed in the statement. I did notice that along with the physical weight that was removed from my head there was a mental and emotional change I felt when looking in the mirror. I started feeling calmer looking in the mirror and I actually started to like looking in the mirror. I've always had different body issues from my disability, chronic pain, and other issues, and cutting my hair short really helped me feel like me. The evolution of the cuts from the first one in Pittsburgh and the few in Florida, to the one with my grandmother. I came back to Israel and grew my hair out again thinking I needed to, to look a certain way for a very close friend's wedding, while I felt more like myself with my short hair but I still felt like I owed family and friends a certain version of me. After the wedding and cutting it all off again,I also finally came out and went on a more extreme shave, shape, and color journey searching for my hair to explain to the internal me who I was. Don't get me wrong I loved every haircut for the different lessons I learned during the time period in my life that I had that haircut. It sounds cliche even to my own ears to say this latest haircut I got this past Sunday is my favorite, but that of course is true but more so to do with where I'm at mentally with internal self-love and acceptance. And yes, I love the fact that my hair so clearly states to society a part of who I am, I use a wheelchair and that tells society what other community I'm part of and I love that my hair, another part of me conveys me to the world.
Body image and acceptance. TW: binge-eating disorder. I had a magical moment with myself in the mirror when for the first time ever I looked up and I automatically smiled at myself and felt at home in my body. I'm pretty sure that has never happened before. There was a calm in the smile, I didn't rush to complain to myself about the fat around my face or other rolls and imperfections. What does this have to do with pride month? I have struggled with a binge eating disorder for many years, and I got inpatient treatment now three years ago, while I worked on changing my habits, I still continuously felt like I needed to fill this black hole of self-loathing and I was still fighting myself on my sexuality. Now I have been working on recovery from my eating disorder and it's going hand in hand with learning to love all the aspects of myself. While I already accepted my disability at about 21 I've seen the more I embrace and love my body and sexuality and all aspects of my body, I'm not constantly trying to hurt my body to get it "inline" with social demands and rather my own self-love. I noticed this change when I decided to weigh myself at my sports center, it had been over two months and I try to just keep up with my weight, non obsessively of course. For once when I stood on the scale I didn't feel like I was checking my worth and if I could love myself, I already did and I didn't have the panicked thoughts of should've eaten less the past week. Tallying the number, I've managed to lose 25 pounds over the past 7 months. While the first thought that came back eating disorder style was "is that enough? How much are you supposed to lose?" But the powerful prideful inner warrior shot back with "that's great have you seen what your life has been these past several months, you're doing this in a healthy way, and you aren't losing weight to convince yourself to love who you are." That pride and power that my inner warrior has found has been a lot to do with removing lots of internal shame regarding my sexuality and how my body looks and wishing parts of it were not there. Removing those layers of shame, some of which are still there for sure have given me so much internal peace without needing to focus on a number on the scale for self-love. I love my body, my disability, my sexuality, and ultimately myself all the parts of me. Here's to learning to deeply love all of yourself the changes are magical.
Clothing- Clothing has been the silent but deadly hurdle I keep putting in front of myself claiming I have good excuses for why I don’t let myself dress in a way that feels authentic to myself. My inspiration board on Pinterest is filled with outfits I wish I’d let myself wear, and then my fearful mind unrolls the laundry list of excuses as to why I don’t need to be myself completely. Pain, physical pain my brain's biggest hurdle it sets up first on the race to being myself is chronic pain even before the disability. The formal androgynous looks you want to wear, the jackets,button-downs, and pants they will enhance your chronic pain. I have internalized this so deeply I don’t even consciously think about it most of the time, but when I have a day I am internally struggling with my sexuality and gender, instead of wearing the few plaid shirts and jeans I feel express myself I wear shift dresses and disappear in the fabric. Another hurdle my brain sets up is about waste. Why waste the clothes you have, why get rid of them, when you need new clothes when you lose weight you can get new clothes. Why waste the money and space buying new and keeping or getting rid of the old. The sister hurdle to this is definitely how my mother reacted when she asked me if I wanted any clothes from a consignment shop and I asked for a men's suit jacket and some dress shirts. The silence suffocated ever feeling comfortable in clothes I internally am screaming to wear. This only enhanced the silence I had told myself that after graduating high school and wearing uniform shirts which were buttoned down and unflattering that I would never wear button-downs again. I didn’t even realize how much this was bothering me until this month of writing posts and there was this huge internal block I couldn't figure out.I’m yelling I am my authentic self to the world but every time I do laundry or open my closet to get dressed every morning, except for a few button-down shirts and jeans the swaths of fabric I suffocate my identity in, choking me. I haven’t worked out this fear and even thinking about getting rid of all the clothes I hate wearing freaks me out, here's to doing things that scare you, so maybe this summer an actual closet purge will happen, and I’ll let myself shine proudly. I'm not sure why accepting and embracing this part of expressing my gender and identity is so hard. But, here's to doing things that scare you, so maybe this summer an actual closet purge will happen, and I’ll let myself shine in my skin and clothe it proudly.