Loathing Of Self

    Unacceptance of self leads to self-loathing. I know from personal experience, lots of it, especially with my body. My body's limitations and the reality of ability constantly change. The bigger problem is that my mind takes longer to accept the lack of ability-if it accepts my reality at all.
     The spiral of self-loathing always starts with self-anger and ends up in the dead end of self-loathing. The walls are lined with tools of self-hate each calling out words that already reverberate through my mind, blocking any thoughts of self-acceptance to come through. The refusal to accept myself in my given situation leads me down a path of self-elimination, in punishment for lack of consistent ability.
     The failure to communicate my lack of ability makes it even worse, as I wake up with expectations of functionality, not even super high ones, just the ability to move somewhat functionally and not in constant pain. Those are all illusions my body seems to enjoy letting my brain tell me every morning. This breeds a delightful amount of self-doubt which digs its way onto the route of self-loathing, creating a maze that has no end, lined with tools for self-harm. Self-harm is a twisted tool which wears a mask of self-care lined on the illusion of a road to self-love.
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Not living for today.....Living for the next five years

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Deserter of Defects